Let’s be honest, I’m now 25. I returned back from my trip feeling disconnected from people. I feel disconnected from friends, family, even at work. I feel extremely uncomfortable, insecure. I keep questioning myself, my capabilities, even my own heart. My confidence has taken a dive into the deep end of a pool and I can’t swim, literally.

These solo trips, solo adventures for my soul, for my heart, for my self love are the best, needed and deserved, and sadly preferred. So why do I feel so disconnected from people? Have I become accustomed to my independence? Have I become so use to being alone? Would I rather be alone than in the presence of company? So many thoughts have been running through my head for the past two weeks.

I’ve been put in the awkward situations of having to face my issues. To talk about my feelings and I couldn’t help but cry. Call me emotional, call me sensitive, both things I am for sure. But while expressing my feelings to people who I feel could honestly care less about my well-being, it hurts me in a way that I can only cry. And within that moment my favorite piece of literature pops in my head…

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them. Words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But its more than that isn’t it. The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried. Like landmarks to a treasure, your enemies would love to steal away and you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way not understanding what you said at all or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst I think, when the secret stays locked within, not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear. – The Body, Stephen King

Are you surprised this was written by Stephen King? The mastermind behind thrillers! I discovered this when a dear friend surprised me with his book Four Seasons which is filled with 4 short stories, two of which became movies. The Body was turned into the movie, Stand by Me. I was obsessed with it when I received it as a gift on my 14^th birthday and even more obsessed when I received the book for my 18^th birthday! It is still my favorite movie and again, my favorite piece of literature.

You see, I am sensitive, I am very in touch with my emotions and I feel, fearlessly! Because of these reasons, I am very protective of who I share things with because to me, everything seems to be important. I hold many things to be important to me and in some ways that’s a blessing and yet it’s a curse. But this passage has always stayed with me. It has given me comfort and prepared me for issues I was forced to express myself. And yet the biggest take away has nothing to do with me. I think we’re all looking for an understanding ear. So that is what I seek to give to others, an understanding ear.

I believe it is my life’s work, to give to others, not of myself but of what I believe we all need. We all need to feel loved, cared for and understood in some way. So where does the disconnect come from? Inside? From others? Both?

The answer is simple when I open my heart and listen, for it is me, myself, and I. As I know I am only responsible for my own happiness, for my part in any and all relationships. Losing sight in myself, in my purpose can become clouded at times and has been the case in this month. I’ve turned to literature, to poetry to help comfort and remind me who I am and who I continue to strive to be every day. My journey will not always be rainbows, butterflies, and filled with perfection. I’m not seeking perfection. I’m living, loving, and giving through my journey.

-ily, B

Clarity – Self Love

January 10th, 2018

Wednesday’s are about winning! I’ve learned that it is always a good time to celebrate life! And it is always a good time to celebrate the little things that make you smile from the inside out! The internal sunshine from within glows! Trust me, it becomes routine in almost an instant to be thankful, grateful, and filled with excitement for the smallest accomplishment, smallest win, and smallest little thing you didn’t even realize made you smile!

My personal win for this week is cleaning out my closet! Not only did I clean it out but I purged! It was clear I have a problem with buying new clothes & never wearing them, never touching them, and just having them to have them. A waste of space, a waste of money, and in all honesty – material things that were obviously not providing any value to my life! Win!

I feel a lot better inside knowing I have a closet full of value to my everyday style and only having items I know I’ll wear day in and day out! In a strange way – this decision has brought clarity to my spending habits and is clear 2018 will not continue with this habit of buying unnecessary clothes, uncalled for purchases, and non-value things! I can’t wait for the next purge! Muahahaha!

What’s your win for the week?! 😀

-B

Clarity – Self Love

January 9th, 2018

Hello friends! Hope you are off to a great week! If you’ve spent some time reflecting on this weeks quote about clarity, let’s talk about it! Your thoughts! Your questions! Your own breakthrough!

I’ve found my clarity multiple times throughout the years. Sometimes I would get so caught up and clouded in my own chaos of the daily grind, chaos of other people’s personal drama or problems and lost track of my own goals and dreams. Let’s be honest, this will happen but as long as you can disconnect & refocus your time and energy to your goals, that’s all that matters!

And this week, your goal, our goal is to create your initial clarity. You will be able to to clearly define what you want and why!

When you can clearly define what you want and why, whether it’s for your career, your relationships, or personal growth- you find yourself out growing old habits, find yourself less focused on the opinions of others. It becomes easier to realize what you need in order to get what you want!

Example…

What do I want? I want to create amazing playlists for myself and others! I want others to experience the feelings if possible the same feelings that music, songs, and beautifully written poems spark in us! The lyrics that take us back to a moment, a memory that for the few minutes it plays, takes us back to every feeling, every sensation! I want to feel in the beauty in every sound! I want to move to every beat! 

Why? I want to create playlists because I want to feel good, happy, and sad! I want to sing and dance and not only share that with you all but hope that it makes you feel good inside, inspires you to spread those feelings, those good vibes we all desperately need in our lives. I want to explore new music, open myself and others to new artists and genres. As a lover of music, I want to appreciate it all!

Need… I need an Apple or Spotify account to create playlists! I need to research and discover new music! Always be on the hunt for the newest, new to me, songs and artists on the daily. This will take time so I need to find the time without carving any out from my daily schedule. The peak times I listen to music – in the shower, the car ride on the way to and from work. Done! I found the time & I have an account for both.

I’ve been writing in a journal ever since I saw Shiri Appleby as Liz Parker in Roswell write in her leather bound journal when I was in the sixth grade. Watching it on Netflix DVDs then, some things never change as I’ve used school notebooks, Momma’s grocery list pads, little free hotel notepads to write! I now purchase journals for myself that I love and prefer! I still remember my first brown leather wrapped journal, blank cream sheets, I sectioned off for different categories! Filling my journals with everyday thoughts, poems of my own, song lyrics from my favorite songs by my favorite bands, memories, dreams, and ideas! I always find carrying around a journal or notepad so useful for my daily journey of self love!

Pictured above are a few of my current favorites! The smallest black journal is lined and the perfect size to travel with you everyday! I call it my Los Feliz journal since I got at a local shop on Vermont out in Los Feliz. My gold spiral notebook is a 2017 planner! I love to stay organized and schedule my days and weeks but always leave room for spontaneity! This planner from Target is monthly tabbed with both daily and monthly layouts. My all time favorite and repurchase year after year is the black spiral notebook from Art Supply Warehouse! This journal has 80 thick, blank, and perforated sheets that are perfect for anything and everything! Not only do I write in this journal but I sketch out ideas and upcoming projects! It’s my go to journal since I write fairly huge, it gives me the freedom to express myself outside of lines!

Journals have always been my best companion! The kind of companion that is always there for you, doesn’t judge you, and just let’s you be YOU! I’ve found comfort, relief, and peace in writing. But it’s more than just writing, it’s letting go, it’s release of all your thoughts, all your worries, all your concerns, all your fears and giving you the peace to breathe again. Opening your heart to trust it, to listen to it, and to follow it, reminding yourself that everyday is a chance to start again, everyday is a chance to love.

If you’ve tried journals before and they don’t work for you, try using alternatives such as journal apps, Word documents, quick notes on your phone, even texting yourself to help express yourself daily, little by little.

-B